CONTROL

i never realized what a control freak i am.  and letting go of that is perhaps that most challenging thing that i have ever had to do.  i don't even know if i am going to share this with anyone publicly like normal because i am not sure what i am learning really.  is it as simple as to let go? I've been really surprised at many things.  I'm surprised that i can't look up at the stars at night when before it was so simple to just get lost in them, and realize just how small i am and how big God is.  I'm surprised at how much of my memory had been lost over the years just in the process of growing up and dealing with of course what i considered a big deal at the time.  i'm thinking now, if those things had happened to the Amy's girls or someone like that that i would be having a discussion about just how awful the abuse was etc., since its me, its like i still can't see the child in me.  and I'm surprised at just how much Paula's passing has brought all of those memories, that child that grew up too soon, those things about control........there have actually been days that i wished all of those things would have stayed in the darkness of my mind where they would not be found.  i just don't get it.
in essence.....life is a handful..........
and then to make those things coincide with what is going on today.....and there are so many facets...
I'm scared to death of allowing but just a very few people inside the inner circle of my heart.  I'm scared to death on the other hand of being totally alone.  quite a conundrum in these days of chaos in this world.  God is the only place to turn to, and yet i still struggle with not being good enough.  i struggle with why in this world would He love me?  and get this, I grew up in the church, can you imagine what people feel like when they have no church background whatsoever?  I keep doing this "yeah, but what about?"  God must get tired sometimes.    I have to believe that the One who created the world, and all the beauty that is in it can handle my "yea, buts".
I have been jokingly thinking of myself as Jonah.  (yes as in Jonah and the well).  I never dreamt in a million years, even a trillion years that I would be "stuck" in Oshkosh Wisconsin U.S.A.   My plan was to head south....Kentucky or Tennessee, because that is my heart.  I don't know , Kev told me once if it wasn't meant for me to be here I wouldn't be, but I STILL DON'T KNOW THAT I WANT TO STAY HERE.  which its wrong if God wants me to be here.   again, that issue of control rears its ugly head.  i do have to admit, that God does seem to be teaching me a lot.   Sometimes I wonder why I have to be such a hard person to teach.
another issue with the control thing.....since Paula passed, it seemed that i spent more and more time in my isolated little world.  like Kev rubbed off on me.  although the people who don't know me won't get it, it is just like every time i would think of going to church in particular, it was like i could not breathe.......shaking hands, hugs, etc....still kind of send me into a panic attack.  again..........control......



I am beginning to hate that word...........