So this past couple of weeks have been horrible. I cannot explain why totally. I think it is just that I am so mad that God allowed Paula to suffer through Cancer..that my family has to suffer through this loss. I don't know if I am wrong to verbalize this or not. Some times I think that people would rather I did not. I only know that I have to believe the truth of Jeremiah 29, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." I know God is love, the best kind, the perfect kind, and that is the only thing as I crawl through this quagmire of grief that keeps me pressing on. I wish I could help when my brother has hard times with his memories. I wish I could fill that void that I know mom and dad feel. I wish I could help the girls and the babies not feel the loss so badly, but I cannot do that. I hope and pray God will fill that hole in their heart.
It is really strange. I can draw a definite line from before Kevin died till now that whereas before my mindset was in all things in the past, and from the time Kevin was gone my eyes began to look forward. Only this time, the hurt is a little deeper. I don't know how to explain it, but somehow the little kid that grew up with Paula came back into my life. And that part of me has been hidden for a long long time. I am not sure that there are those who know me right now that would think that is a good thing, but I do think that it has a lot to do with healing me day to day.
It is also coming to a head because this week Pastor Dave will be gone a whole year, and I can't tell you how much I feel that loss even. I hope he and Paula met in heaven and are helping all the little ones/teenagers that have gone them before worship the God that sent His son to die for us. As the matter of fact Aunt Helena probably is right there in the mix because someone has to cook that heavenly manna. And she would be the one!
All I can do is hold onto that thread-life is hard but God is good. It doesn't mean we have pie in the sky all the time, but it does mean He will be there if we hold onto Him and all that we know of Him. He is LOVE.
