Christmas or not?

I am sure if one would talk to the people I know...the people who know me, many would agree that I am not being very Christmas like this year.  It is another year that I have not been able to be home to be with my family for Christmas, a fact even more importantly since Paula passed and this is the first holiday without her here on this planet.  Rest assured, although I am "numb" in some ways, I suppose trying to put off the holiday experience in other ways, I am forever in awe of what Christmas means.  I just have had the need to be quiet.
I was listening to a sermon the other day on the radio.  The speaker was talking about how the shepherds who got the news of Jesus birth were common people.  I love that God chose common people to share the good news with first.   The speaker talked about how common people today are like janitors, mechanics, people like me, and factory workers etc.  I also recollect how mom talked about how we are just "common" people.  I love that .  It is like some of the scales dropped off my eyes because I know that I am or will never be anything without Jesus.  I think perhaps although there are many rich and noncommon people both in that time and today that if the angels were to speak to them, they would have never believed in a million years that Jesus would have come as a baby.  Then they possibly would try to reason it through human logic, try to find all kinds of reasons to disprove it, and it would probably really become annoying to the rest of us.  I am a thinker, probably more than I should be, but I know that I know that God exists.
It was fun coming to work tonight because as I walked out in the brisk cold night, and looked up at the sky, I could imagine Mary and Joseph traversing the desert on the way to Bethleham on such a night as this.   
I know this is short, but I am thinking in spurts these days.  It is hard to miss my sister so much, but I also know that she is having a wonderful time joining in with the angels for her first Christmas with the one who makes all possible.  Jesus.   

Thanks to him for giving me a beautiful family, and a hope of heaven.  What a beautiful gift......

LIFE IN THESE DAYS.......

I have basically been shut down other than doing those things that one can do on autopilot.  I am still wrestling , almost in a state of shock because of Paula having to deal with this battle of cancer.  I still question why sometimes.  Why does cancer exist, why do little babies get aborted before they have a chance to even breathe their first breath in this world?  Why do politicians spend so much money and time trying to prove to us that they deserve to be in power?  Why does power mean so much to people in that mindset?  I wish I could even express how frustrating this political season and all those questions that really can't bed answered this side of heaven is to me.  I finally decided on this short break here popped a cd in of the HEE HAW gospel quartet, (initially I thought I would be made fun of) but right now it has blessed me more than anything I have had my hands on all day except for my devotional time.  I guess perhaps this is a little bit of what I picture heaven to be.  I wish I could better express to other people how it is so worth it to know God.  Even when you feel like your ship is about to crash into a mountain, God can steady that ship, just with the touch of His hand or the breath in the wind, or by His Almighty word.  I know this is one of the hardest times of my life, because I love my family so, I love my sister and brother so much.  I know one thing even more, that God loves us all more than I can even comprehend or think of.  I long to hold onto that.


Till the day we see Jesus........still trusting....one minute at a time.

I THINK WE'RE IN TROUBLE

This world has gotten to be quite a place that needs changing.  I believe change is going to come, but not in the form that people think that it will be.  I still find it amazing that dad keyed into the opening up of an evil spirit into this land on 09-11.  I think that he was right on with that, and it continues even to this day.  Of course, every one who knows me knows that I have had a stamp on my heart for the nation of Israel from the day that I left there. 

Today I read that a major Israeli newspaper said that the US had not promised to protect Israel from Iran, so to follow up on that I pulled up the Jerusalem Post this evening.  This source stated that the Likud party is downplaying any lack of support from the US, but guess what I saw on the front page headline.  Graffiti sprayed on one of the walls that said "Jesus was a monkey".  It took me immediately back to The Passion, and the devils torment of Mary as she watched her Son taken to the cross for our sins.

All Jesus ever did was love us. 

All the enemy of our souls seeks to do is destroy us.


I will stand on the side of Love, and I will continue to voice my support for the tiny nation of Israel.  One day this tiny nation will roar, and God will save her from those who seek to destroy her.


Praying...........for the peace of Jerusalem.

On a sunny day, you can see forever

I didn't quite know what to do about the horse. It was obvious he was in some sort of distress, but how to help, where did he come from? All of these questions ran through my mind as I stood there, eyes tearing up , looking at the beautiful animal that stood in front of me.
"Oh what stories must you have to tell."

I had to think. "Let's see, I know there is a farm about a mile away from here. Could that be where you are from?" I wish.......hmmmmmm.

I walked around the mare and looked at the ribs rising up from his sides. "My word, this poor animal hasn't eaten anything in days......He couldn't have" "How on earth did you get here?" It was like he appeared out of nowhere.

I didn't have a harness or lead to put around the animal's neck. I decided that I would walk back home and call the local veterinarian for advice on what to do. The vet had not had anyone call that they had lost a horse from any of the local farms, so she and I came up with a skeleton plan for caring for this animal. It was obvious he needed someone who understood horse behavior, and also someone who was willing to take on a nurturing role to get the animal back on it's feet.

"How does this work. Do I put an ad in the paper? Do we make some calls?" The real question in the back of my mind was "do I get to keep him?"

I miss you Bear

Oh boy, there is so much that I wish I could tell you Kevin. I in my minds eye can see you sitting in heaven watching over everything, somehow wishing you could reach out and hold me while going through this crazy thing called life. But today I will reach to you in my mind and my heart. You have been on my mind a lot lately, not in a creepy way per say, but in a way that I wish you were here. I just keep thinking how solid, how strong you remained in what seemed like crazy chaos. So you may or may not realize how sick Paula is. She is such a trooper. I don't know, much like in the situations with you, how either of you have stood such a deluge on your bodies. i actually found myself so able to relate to some of mom's exhaustion, although i will never be able to tap into that thing that is called motherhood. it actually is okay though because i fear that were i actually a mom, some of this pain i feel over these changes would overwhelm me and i would not be able to function. We also had a friend lose her son in just the most freak accident that could ever happen to someone, and i sit here almost feeling like it was not real. like it was a bad story line on a television show, and yet the reality is that this wonderful lady has to put her son to rest this coming week. Life can really kick ya in the pants. Both Aunt Helena and Uncle Roger (our version of Elvis) have had strokes. Aunt Helena apparently was more mild, Uncle Roger not so much. Both of these are reminders that I am getting very very old very quickly. I want things to all stay the same ......that Uncle Roger will be the same guy who nursed that wound to the side of my head when i was a kid. That Aunt Helena will still be the one most gifted with hospitality and hugs for all who showed up at her door. if i recall correctly, you my dear husband were the recipient of those hugs. I know this would get us into one of those big discussions like we used to have if we were able to actually talk, (and one day we will), but i am so getting the feeling that the church or should i say CHURCH is getting attacked in a way that it never has before. I look at Union Chapel, and I am shocked at how many times they have been kicked this past year. I look at Winneconne and I know without a doubt that the enemy does not want that new church built. In talking with Wendy, I realize that their church is being hit as well. Sometimes it reminds me of that book that Dave had me read way back about 200 years ago :) called "Piercing the Darkness" Come to think of it, I think I am going to find that book and re read it. Perhaps it will help shed some light on that vision that I had. Just save a place for me Kevin. I look forward to that day that we will reunite, and i will be able to forever thank God for bringing me to you. I miss you Bear.

Goodbye Old Friend

I sat today at the memorial service of Kevin's uncle, and I became very much aware of the brevity of life. I also learned a lot about how different cultures do memorial services, but that there is a basic truth, that truth being the Word in scripture. It's interesting the things that one can observe in situations like these. I was shocked that sweet Aunt Doris could not remember Kevin's passing. Don't get me wrong, I get it. She is at the age that I say anything is okay. But again the brevity of time. Elbie's brother Bob, I think while put on a front, seemed really sad. He normally is really light and carefree. His face was sad. My how things change when the heart is heavy. What an incredible talent though. God gifted him greatly with the ability to paint. Pop- geesh, I have such an affection and respect for him. It is kind of like I can see these guys as they really are. I mean that is the way it was with Kevin as well. There is just something about the heart. I just know that one of these days I may be looking at this great man not being there anymore, and I can't even imagine that right now. He has been such a cheerleader for me even in the most impossible of situations. I saw kids today that were toddlers when I came to Wisconsin. Now they are all grown up with kids of their own. Nancy's son Nathan was in his fatigues, and just brought out such a respect in me. (and not just because of the uniform) He has grown into a man. The girls-somedays I think we could be like the three amigos in the movies. Wendy's wisdom and heart, Brenda-she has such life in those eyes. She still reminds me of her mom. And then there is Elbie. What first impressed me about this man is along with pop and his brother Bob, this man had a solid tenor voice that could interpret music just as well as the pros. I thought he hated me at first, because I didn't understand the man. If I would've only thought, anyone who could interpret music like that had to have a heart of gold. And those Elbie hugs. What a sweet sweet man. I could never leave his place without getting one of those hugs. When I visited him over at the nursing home last week to take the pic of Kevin and me, we visited a while, and he made sure I knew that I was family, and for sure he gave me one of those great Elbie hugs. (God had to know that I would need Elbie just for that) Because I am a hugger. Goodbye old friend. I will be there for your military funeral, but I want you to know you will be missed. You helped make this woman's stay in Wisconsin more special just by the fact that you were here.

"i've got it covered"

"So I sit here in Indiana, once again a grateful woman. I know that the battle is not over against cancer, but as I sit here looking at my sister, I am amazed at the providence of God. Paula looks great. Today is a good day, and I just enjoy being under the same roof with her. Maybe that is what being a family is all about.....just being... No one has to prove anything to anyone. I also think about young Hannah and how she has to walk through this time after the airplane crash this week. Who else but God could've known that Melody Green would be there for this young lady? I will be honest and say that I was in a panic this last Saturday with all of this business with the ER in Lutheran. Panic over Paula, panic over mom and dad, panic over getting to Indiana, panic over the job ..You name it, I was in panic. And as only God can do, He shows up. He shows up in a worship team that played before the church service, in a pastor that knows when to back away when I was praying, in a person I never met before coming up and introducing themselves, whenever I was totally in another world. The provident thing on that was what I term "Jesus eyes". That would be someone who looks at you and it is like they can see clear down to your toes. I am so torn about staying in Oshkosh and moving back to Indiana. Personally, I believe I should be in Oshkosh, at least till such a time that I would have to be in Indiana. I have been so touched by God in so many ways in Oshkosh, even though I have been through so many trials. He walks with me, even when I wander off like a sheep in the wilderness. There were so many things-on the way to Indiana-that were coming to me like somewhat of a waterfall. I realized that I probably needed Kevin and the things that he taught me even more than he needed me. I probably in a lot of ways was more broken than Kevin. I remain grateful that he was in my life. So I get home, and poor mom and dad....I rush in like a hurricane and the room is a mess and the dog is loud, but Katie loves mom and dad so much that it is wonderful, even when everything is not just perfect. Family.... As per usual, I have a terrible time sleeping and I still feel like I could sleep like a year, but the wonderful wonderful part is life is just the right pace. I have thought a lot about what Kevin used to tell me in regard to more education, and rising up in the ranks in healthcare. "You could affect patient care." I have been so frustrated in what seems like doctors running mom and Paula from here to there, and what if I could affect patient care? I love one on one with patients more than anything. I love those in that are not the high in society in particular. But how in the world with a mindset that is not of this world do you change a system that is so broken? Good question. So I am sleeping, and get woke up by this thought. "I've got it covered". I know it sounds simple, but I believe it came from God. All the panic, any distress, all the worry just for this one day, I believe God has it covered. I respond "but....." and the answer comes back "I've got it covered". I know tomorrow may be different, but just for today.....I believe..... God has it covered.

Woman thy name is _____________________

I am amazed at the strength of women. I am amazed at the wisdom of women. I have met so many amazing women over the years that have dealt with so many obstacles in their lives that it would be impossible to say that a man would survive. I have no problem with men, don't get me wrong. It's just there is something about the strength of a woman that is truly one of the wonders of the world. One of the gifts of God. We just lost one of the truly incredible co-workers that I have had the pleasure of working with , of learning from, of being around since I have begun public work. She shared that she had survived many times of abuse, and yet when her abuser was taken ill will cancer, she had the will and the strength to care for him until he died. She raised her children, she worked, and all of her life was about giving to others until she was no longer able to do that. I pray that God will give her a reward that is equal to her gifts that she bestowed upon her friends and co-workers. There is another really sweet lady that I have known forever, and even though she had experienced many instances of disappointment, abuse, being taken advantage of, and betrayal, this dear sweet lady always had a song in her heart and a smile on her face. Both of these women, I know could have easily written a book about their experiences. Both were women of very strong faith. While I met them at two very different periods in my life, their impact on me has been profound. I am also amazed at my mother. I heard someone once say of their wife that she was the only person he knew who could make something out of nothing. I kind of think that way of my mother. So incredibly wise.....so incredibly one of the most giving people I know. She knows no other way. And then there is my sister.... She has raised up two wonderful daughters, who have wonderful children of their own. She has "talent on loan from God" to quote Rush Limbaugh. I believe she was instilled at birth with abilities that others have to go to school to learn. She actually without trying has taught me a lot....just by her example. Incredibly smart, and just an all around sweet lady. What she has that I wish I could have on some level is that flexibility to adjust to circumstances surrounding her. What about these women makes them so amazing? I believe it is their ability to be strong without having to be what I call a "man wanna be". All of these women are amazing, feminine wonderful role models for all of us around them, and I believe they are all a part of God's Crown Jewels on this earth. God Bless Your Impact. The hand the rocks the cradle indeed rules the world....

Now I lay Me Down To Sleep

These are the words I used to say every night before I went to sleep as a little child. Today, with finding out the journey my sister has to take, I would really like to revert back to that again. Childhood. A time of carefree living....not a care in the world. Now two of the people whose lives, if they were pictured in a dictionary would have their picture next to the word energy. are in the process of having their lives turned upside down by two very ugly diseases. One being cystic fibrosis, and the other being cancer. You know in the Psalms it states that God has the very hairs of our heads numbered. (even my coarse old gray hair)...and that makes me believe that God knows every detail, every minute of these two young ladies lives. That does not mean I understand it at all. I sometimes feel as if I am looking through one of those old mirrors, the kind that the mirror looks kind of cloudy after it has aged awhile? I really feel that way, because I wonder sometimes what in the world is going on. I get disturbed by generalized chaos in the world, but I get really thrown, if not offended when life hits too close to home. (that being my immediate family.)

I go back to a time, when one of my very best friends in the whole world brought a song up to me mainly because I receive music well. "when you cannot trust His hand, Trust His heart". Even though I cannot see clearly where all of this journey is heading and rest assured know that the control freak in me doesn't like that, I do know that Jeremiah is true when it says "for I know the plans I have for you, plans for good and not evil". Mainly because I know that God is the only thing that remains the same yesterday , today and forevermore. Funny, I can almost hear Reverend Frazee say that in my mind. I still believe. Not because of anything I have done, but because I know God is God. We hold onto that each breath that we take, each step that we take. He gives us hope for the days ahead.

So again I pray

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray Oh Lord my soul do keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. Please bless my sister, help her sense Your strength replacing her weakness. Help my brother to stay strong, and bless April as well. Be with the girls, and their respective families, Lindsey, William, Kris, Chrissy and the kids." Most of all bless my parents. Bind them together, and help them to know just how much they are loved. This is so new for them God. But you know them, and You shall hold them with your almighty hand." I pray you will help us all to find our rest in You. In your name that stays the most precious name ever spoken. Amen....

The Beauty of The Family

I love being a part of a family. You get to grow up loving each other, fighting like cats and dogs, and making up all in the same day. When outsiders pick on your brothers and sisters, you become part of the greatest team in the world, that no one can take on.
It is a wonderful thing. But the greatest thing about becoming an adult in the family is that as the oldest, I get the chance to look at both of my siblings as people who can change the world. I am so proud of the people both mark and paula have become.

Another precious part of life that we all have encountered is becoming a part of "The Family".
I'm so glad I'm a part of the family of God. I can still hear Judy sing this at Union Chapel in my mind. The family includes friends that I went to school with who have moved to other parts of the country, and yet when I ask, "will you pray" they say "absolutely". It is a couple of gentlemen I work with that when I say "can you pray" they say "sure". It is a school mate, that prayed what I believe we all need to hear. "prayer for peace that passeth understanding". It is a little 5 year old that I believe has God's ear before any of us, because she is such an angel. It is a wonderful family that we grew up with that is out west. It is wonderful people who serve God in the state of Florida.

I sometimes wonder why the world does not get it. This is not a farce, it is not someone's imaginattion. There is a God whose son came to earth as a man, to live and die for our sins. He rose again the third day, and he lives and prays for us in prayers that we cannot even imagine, because He and only He knows our greatest need. I think of when Jesus was returning to heaven. '"My peace I give unto you, not as the world gives". His peace is real, and His peace is what we are all going to hold onto throughout this day.

God Bless and be near to all of my friends, especially those who are facing major physical issues. They all know who they are, and they know I love them all. I pray a special blessing on my sister and family, including the extended family at Union Chapel. You all are a godsend. Our own little stack of dynomite in Blackford County. "The little church that does BIG things" We are all so grateful that you are walking through this journey with us. You are precious....

March 19-2012

Today is a very special day. I am bringing to you a break in the story on my treasure I have discovered, instead to focus on the treasure that we who are believers hold onto. I also focus on the treasure I was born into.....my family. I ask you to share with me as I give this time, give this blog to praying for some very special people. The top of the list right now is my sister Paula. Again most of you know that she is fighting for her life.
Oh Lord, you know how I am sensing such a heaviness in virtually all the situations that fall under a general title healthcare. This falls both in the physical and in the spiritual and emotional areas as well. God, you know we are waiting for a definitive answer on the PET SCAN that Paula had to go through. I am amazed that You already have set in motion those plans that You put into place in the womb. You call us and You know us by name. There is none other who would retain that spot in our hearts and in our minds. You number the very hairs on our head, and for You to do that, and to know that means that I know You are ever close.

I ask for your protection and shelter over the homes of my family. This would run from Dad, all the way down to little Aidan and Zuri's house. I ask that You build a shield of faith around them that nothing can penetrate. Block out fear, block out exhaustion, and bring peace to all involved. Help mom and dad to get rest. I ask not only for sleep, but rest. I ask this also for Paula. I know that if tbere is any of me in her, that you would rest her mind, and help her to know that You have already taken care of all those things that we think need to be taken care of. You have been so good to us Lord. We have been so blessed. I ask also for care and protection from exhaustion for extended family members. (they know who they are), Grant these folks some peace and restore energy to them, as they walk through this time period in their lives. Help them to know that they are indeed loved by You.

I ask that you put your hands around Paula. Take her face in your hands and help her to realize just how much you love her. What an awesome, grand thing. I pray God that you will breathe life into any of those areas that might be questionable to the doctors. Breathe life on her. Help her to radiate Your love. Help her to be the support that she needs to be for our extended family who is experiencing some serious health problems.

I pray oh God, that you would touch the folks in a way that only You, the Creator of this Universe can. Give mom and dad strength. Help them to realize that their strength comes from YOU. You know I have had concerns about their health since this journey has begun. I also know they are tired. Right now in my mind, I can see them going to the creek, like on Campbell Mountain in Kentucky, and getting this freezing cold water, and splashing it upon their faces. Let them be refreshed like that. Instead of going to a physical creek (although I am sure they wouldn't mind), help them both to come to You. These days I pray help us all run to You. Because only in you lies our answer for living and being. But let the refreshment at the Fount be just as rich as in that real creek on Campbell Mountain.
Be with my brother Mark and his wife April. I pray for them bcause I ask that you bless them. Again God you know what respect I have for both of these kids. Help them to continue to live for you , and to be strong, and couragous. I am amazed again how Bible quizzing questions keep coming up.

I pray Lord that you would hold Union Chapel up, as they seem to have an overload of issues with the membership having illnesses and such. I have to believe an attack comes on in a place where the word of God is being lived out. Union Chapel is a great example to a world that is hurting. May they be blessed.


God, you are so incredibly good. Again, you know how I feel-that I don't deserve your goodness, but I am getting better at allowing myself to receive Your love. Continue to allow me to live that which You are showing me in front of the people I run into in my daily life, and I ask for a complete head to toe touch so that You and I can keep walking down this highway called life. Thank you again for giving me these wonderfully wise people in my life. They are all truly gifts from You.

POSSIBILITIES IN GODS VIEW OF THINGS

So today, I am thinking about possibilities. I was walking one day along this country road. There were amazing fenced in pastures on both sides. It was great to see how beautiful they were. As I was walking I looked off in the distance and I saw something that seemed way out of place in such a serene setting. I climbed over the fence and began walking slowly to the dark object that was standing there. As I got closer, I could see that it was a horse. It was watching me as I began to walk toward him. It was a beautiful colt, but as I got closer I could see that the colt had been mistreated. I could tell by the look in it's eyes that life had not been kind to the beautiful colt. Normally you could see these horses running the fields as I took my daily walk. This one was different. There were open sores on his legs, and he had this look in his eyes. It was like he was lost. Anyone who knows me realizes that I can tell these things. I inched closer, and he just stood there as if he knew that I could read him and the circumstances that he found himself in.

"Ah precious one, how did you find yourself in this place?" I said as I gently moved my hand in front of his nose. "You must have been waiting, just for Me."

dreams or visions???

i am not even foolish enough to believe that i have it all together but there have been things that have been going on that make me believe even more all of those things that i was taught when i was growing up, what i read when i was growing up and what i know to be true for this present generation.

before i moved to where i currently live, i had this dream. i even considered it a vision. i believe it was around 2000 that God was sitting on His throne atop a bunch of black looming storm clouds. i believed that it was God because the throne, and all of the area around it was a bright white, a white so bright that it was almost as if you could see through it.

so today i have this dream about 6 am that Jesus had returned and we were all moving to heaven, and before we all get there i woke up. i so want to be ready. but i have to ask, what am i to do with these dreams, or are they visions? and am i really supposed to be sharing these things or are they to be kept quiet?

i will ponder on these things for the next time i write. right now all i know is i still am seeing things with a view toward heaven......what do i do with this? God help me to know..

"You tell me what is Impossible with God"

This is one of the most memorable quotes from the movie "Facing the Giants" and I keep thinking about that today.

Again everyone knows that there is so much going on with my immediate and extended family. We received some sad news this evening, but what I want to tell you is how God kinda new ahead of time what I would need to hear to be able to accept the news and I am soooo grateful that He alone knows what we need at all times. And that He alone can get through this woman's head and heart.

I was listening to a sermon this morning on Psalms 56. The sermon focused on the phrase Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted out of the Beatitudes. These are the two points that hit me between the eyes. Number 1, Jesus says we "will" be comforted. He doesn't say we might be comforted, He doesn't say if I feel like it you will be comforted. He says we "will". In a world that is crazy and chaotic, I have to tell you, I am glad to have a God that stands firm, and is true in all things.

The second part of the sermon is that God puts our tears into bottles and cherishes and holds everyone of them for his keeping. I reread Psalms 56 to see where David said that. I know that scripture says our tears are in His book. I can see that in my minds eye. It also hits me as well, that God shed tears when Jesus died on the cross, so He knows every hurt and everything that we go through.

What an amazing comfort.

Who was, who Is and Is to Come

So we have started into the year 2012. The world is focused on politics, and war, and money and style, and it all seems like chaos to me. Most of you who know me know that there are many concerns going on in my life right now.

First and foremost of course, my sister and her continuing battle with the big C. I am so incredibly proud of her. She is waging this war with the Hand of God holding her daily. I am beginning to think of some of those things in her physical life as miracles today. Mostly because I know perhaps another person in the same circumstances might not be able to progress the way that she has. Don't get me wrong, this is a daily walk for her, but not unlike the poem about the Footprints in the Sand, I know that God is holding her hand, and even somedays carrying her.

We also have a very dear friend, we really consider him family that is dealing with the same type of situation with his mother. I know the truth of that song "Family of God' that we used to sing when we grew up. When one of us hurts we all hurt, when one of us cries, we all cry. Even moreso, when one of us laughs, we laugh even more.

Cancer is such a tough enemy, but we have a God that is so big. I was reading about the scripture where Jesus had found out John had been beheaded, and He needed to have some quiet time, and began walking on the Sea of Galilee to the boat where his disciples were. What I was impressed to notice was that the scripture talks about how the sea waters were rough. And Jesus walked on them like they were calm. It proves to me that Jesus can take all of our troubles and if we give them to him, it is as a strange peace that only can come from God. So many times we can be like Peter, and be scared and look to ourselves for our strength , and then of course we sink in the water (as I often have done) Thank God for His faithfulness, and His grace that He knows our failings and weaknesses, and that He can hold us up in these times.

May Jesus walk all over all the situations in our lives that are tossing and turning, and whisper to us "Peace Be Still"