marriage isn't for sissies......

Nor is it irrational.....I have listened with an unbelievable amount of frustration to increasing attacks upon the sanctity and union of two persons as they become man and wife. Just yesterday a circuit judge in the state of California, says that believing in marriage between a man and a woman is just "irrational" thinking. I believe that somehow this country is running down a deadly slope. It seems to me that I recall hearing that when Hitler was in his heyday, the whole idea of a perfect society was to get rid of those who did not believe the way he did, or to send them to camps for mediation and training that in essence to change their thinking. Even today you hear rumblings of countries like China sending those who do not believe the way the dictatorial nation believes to camps for "rewiring" as it were in their thought processes or God forbid even worse. I also believe that the judge in California who deemed the traditional marriage as irrational is playing into the hands of the Almighty God. And it has been proven time and again, that it is a dangerous thing to play into the hands of an Almighty God.

I also feel sorry for these folks who believe these things. I keep thinking about when Jesus was on the cross and He said "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Our country needs to fall to its knees desperately, and pray for Gods blessing on us once again.

Back to marriage, whenever I was in my twenties, and even in my late teens and into my thirties I really was too selfish to even contemplate being married. I in essence wanted to do what I wanted to do. And in essence, God had a better plan.

I would marry my Kevin all over again. Even with the same health concerns, same money concerns and through it all. Because in essence marriage has become something more to me that just getting whatever I want out of life. When Dave prayed that Kevin and I would turn to God even at those worse moments in our life, it was a very very powerful moment.

I probably will be writing a lot in the near future here because I need to share what is going on in my opinion with this society and what the future may hold.


There is one thing that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt. People can call their unions marriage, but marriage it is not. Marriage was not designed by man. How dare we be so egotistical--- Marriage was ordained by the Almighty God, ruler of the Universe. And in the end, He Will Reign. No matter what we as a society think that makes us so special to change moral law.

Yes marriage is not for sissies. It is far beyond sex, way far beyond the day to day events that we go through. Marriage is a lifelong soul committment and bind between 3. A man......his wife......and the God who made it all possible.


I am so thankful for God bringing me to my bear....my Kevin.....


I can still hear him singing to me the song "I Cross my heart"


sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh...........can you hear it too?

so its your birthday........

so today is my birthday, and i take after my father today and make my age 49 speech, reality being that i feel like 94. :)



and what have you done?



i have taken a great interest in ecclesiastes and reading about wisdom. i am looking at chapter 5. verse 2 where it says the following:



"be not rash with thy mouth, and let not thine heart be hasty to utter anything before God. for God is in heaven, and thou upon earth, therefore let thy words be few."



coming from a family that likes to talk, this is a great challenge, but as i study wisdom and as i think about kevin, and how so very precisely he spoke and how he really never just shot his mouth off with vain speech, i realize i have a lot to learn.



"happy anniversary dear" i hear him say every month on the first. even now. "happy anniversary booful" or "happy anniversary boo-boo". man, who would've known i would miss such a simple display of love. it never became one of those deals where he would have to be reminded. i am the one who would have to be reminded.



and i would blush.



verse 8 if thou seest the oppression of the poor, and violent perverting of judgment and justice in a province, marvel not at the matter, for he that is higher than the highest regardeth and there be higher than they."



my heart is still leaning toward the rapid response teams of samaritans purse. i read about the group already being in texas prior to the hurricane that is striking in texas as i write. i hope and pray that somehow this group will be a part of my future. i don't know how it would happen but if God would allow, i would be willing.



"are the stars out tonight, i don't care if it's cloudy or bright, cuz i only have eyes for you......dear......" as i finished singing this line to kevin as he was going through his last couple of weeks at the hospital, i saw a tear slide gently down the side of his face. i kept hoping that singing those songs would remind him of better days. i pray they did. i continued ......
"amazing grace, how sweet the sound.." "silent night".......anyway i could to touch the heart of the big strong man that was brought to his knees a disease that would soon take his life.



but it wasn't only the disease. i know there is somewhere in scripture that says "fear not those who can kill your body, but those who kill your soul" this i interpret to be spirit.....and i guess that is what brings me back to my original thought......"be not rash with thy mouth." although i know i am using this for the purpose of my own learning.....i believe the rashness of speech contributed highly to my kevin losing his will to be on this earth any longer. and i know he has forgiven.....i know i must forgive....God help me to do so....and God help me to never ever hurt anyone in such a way that kevin was hurt. Prompt my mind and heart to stop and think of this scripture if i get even close to this kind of behavior.




"you know why i love you" kevin said many years ago"because you are worth it!". my gift from God after such a long tired life was a gentle giant of a man who loved me for me, not because of what he could get from me. the best birthday gift a girl could ever want.





happy birthday booful! "happy 106th month anniversary dear"







ssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................................................



until we meet again....i will love you forever

Biblical truths

I never realized until this experience of caregiving and working and loving then losing kevin, just how specific and true that scriptures in the Bible are.



I have had an extremely difficult day so I figured it was about time to come back to where my heart is at peace. Writing...



In Ecclesiastes 4 verse 10, it says the following. "For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he faileth, for he hath not another to lift him up."



this speaks to where i am at today. actually where kevin and i spent a lot of time because at the worst of all his health care issues, we did not feel that there were any souls from outside that would truly see us for what we were. two people so fully in love. my Lord, it was even suggested that i leave him by a member in a church, and tell me how that committment on September 1,2001 would've ever survived if I would've done that.



some days, i don't even know how we did it. on a human level we could not have made it as far as we did. it had to be a God thing. people would make fun of him, and in turn even if not directly said to me they were making fun of me. i now come to realize kev had a lot more on the ball than i ever could. because i fall so easily.......and i know he did when he was in love with lindy lou and she died, but he did pick himself back up. he came home. even though he said it was running away. he was back with his family.



where does that leave me? trying to live a life that relies more on God getting me through the day, when frankly i would like to stay asleep and dream about kevin all the time. i honestly wish there were some men around i could trust that would not think i was getting all hot and bothered by them. i sat at work and cried half the night because i could hear kevin singing to me "I Cross my Heart" all night long. this both brings me comfort and also makes me want to scream......because i want to hold him close and i can't right now.





i also spent a lot of time thinking about Job/Kevin and God. It was told in scripture that Job had ulcers pretty much like kev had. and Job had an intimate relationship with God. I mean they even "discussed" things. I wonder sometimes (like today) if when Kev got to heaven and walked up to Jesus and showed Him his legs where there used to be scars from all of the venous stasis. And even the other sores, and I see kev's bright smile, and Jesus saying come here my son, this is what I died for...to give you life eternal and perfect healing.....here are my hands, here are my feet, see my side.....it was all for you my son.....and kevin is able to walk with Jesus to the most beautiful stream, with water so clear that you could only dream about. and kevin starts to sing finally in a voice that he can hear as perfect.



God I so thank you for helping me learn your truths through this experience. You know it is hard for me to be alone. But in due time, if you see fit, and it is your person.....i will be ready for friends in my life again. because kevin helped me know i was worth it.











I Cross My Heart.........





sshhhhhh........its gonna be alright gracie.

In Thee will I hope.....

i had an interesting conversation today with a co-worker about my husbands passing. and she made the comment that i did quite well during the memorial service all the way till now. i had to just turn the conversation off by telling this person that she did not see me when i came home.

today actually was quite an emotional day all the way around. i saw pictures of my youngest niece in her bridal gown and i could not help but tear up.....time has flown so quickly as i look at those two young ladies who seemed to be babies just yesterday. i also was still living in the memories of working with the elderly gentleman in a previous job, a very dear friend who i lost yesterday.

and on the upside i heard from a young man who i babysat when he was a baby (about 25 years ago.) its funny because sometimes i wonder much like george in its a wonderful life whether i have made an impact on all these kids over the years. Lord, I do so hope so...

back to where i am at right now in current time. i very quickly after kevin passed began using the chapel at the hospital to spend some time in scripture. that scripture works for me tonight as well.

Psalms 38:10 my heart panteth, my strength faileth me, as for the light of mine eyes, it also is gone from me.

i look around at potential changes, and i almost hyperventilate because i have not gotten to share them with kevin. i wish i could talk to him. it would make it alright...or at least i feel it would.

he would be sitting in his chair and when i come in he would say "Hi Booful". God, please let me hear that again someday.

I trust that someday I will have someone to care about in my life again, but I sure wish it could be kev.

I guess the most important part of that chapter in Psalms that I also agree with is verse 15 "for in thee O Lord, do I hope: thou wilt hear O Lord my God,"


I hope for that day to see my kevin again.........

and to hear him say....................



shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................

I lift mine eyes to the hills......

i can actually see why David wrote this line in the Psalms. i think about my trip to Israel and there are so many times even today that i would love to be there because i could sense God so close to me. but i know He can be equally close to me here, and i covet that so.


today i have to be honest....i would like to shout out MY HELP COMES FROM THE LORD, MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH. watching people today is such a different proposition from whenever i used to watch people as i was growing up. don't get me wrong.. i read books about the Lord's return to earth and all of the chaos that would ensue before that time, but actually living through this experience of watching people in this great state of confusion is just sometimes way too much for this small town girl to handle. I truly believe that on some level that God has turned people over to their own mind, because some of the behaviors that are being exhibited quite frankly make no sense. there are moments that i want to scream "People, don't you know that God holds the key to your peace?" I remind myself constantly to stay focused on God, and truthfully there are days I would love to be back in the Israeli desert.....near the sea of Gaililee in particular. i described that trip to israel as one of those things that when i came back here i felt as if i were leaving home... to this day i do not know why. i think it is because God changed me while i was there. and He still is working on me to this day. There was a book written that said that perhaps God allowed us to be married to become holy, not just whole. And sometimes even since losing my kevin, i have pondered on that truth.

physically please know that i am so drained. there are days i would love to come home from work, and just be with kevin and know that no one else mattered in this fallen world. but that cannot happen just yet. i tried really hard to pick a couple of stars in the sky for him, and its just not the same feeling like i had when my grandfather passed away. there are moments when i am outside at night that i cannot lift my head. and i believe it is because my heart is so heavy in those moments.....

this world is not my home, i'm just a passing through.


and i hear him say again. until then my love.



ssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.................

REALITY

you know its funny...i pretty much lived in the same state my whole life,much the same customs, the same beliefs, alike foods. i thought i pretty much had it all together.

there was a time a few years ago, i literally fell in love with a song called "i believe in a hill called mt calvary. i believe "WHATEVER THE COST" and i thought i pretty much knew what that song meant. little did i know how much that would really come to mean to me.

essentially a transplant into an area that was completely new, with new customs , new foods, and definitely a new culture.....i really was tempted to drag kevin back to indiana with me. he kept reminding me "'dear, if it wasn't meant for us to be here, we wouldn't be here in the first place. just be patient." (oh sure, kev, me patient) i prayed God if i could just find one good person, much like abraham did of old, then i would give this area a chance.

but God, i wanna go back to Egypt.

it didn't work out that way at all. God did show me there was a godly physician here in the area that i could trust. but i have to admit, i had struggles with trusting others in my new life. there seemed to be so much lying, and doing things that i was not used to and it was very hard for me to get comfortable.

it was also very hard to understand the preconceptions people tend to have toward other people that are not like them. and those judgments hurt. i would come home crying, and kevin would say 'dear, stay true to your core".. i cried frequently over the preconceptions people would have about my husband, because i knew him through to the core, and sometimes society was not very kind to him. but he was a good man, and i learned a lot.

one of the main things that has been stenciled upon my heart is to treat everyone with the respect they deserve. "I will praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." if God is true and we know that He is, why should I not believe that all men are fearfully and wonderfully made. this by no means means that we are perfect, but it certainly can nullify the tendency that i might have on a bad day to poorly judge someone i might not understand.

the month before kevin died, he was admitted to the emergency room where i work, and i was finally able to see to nurses that night treat him as respectfully as they possibly could, and frankly i am sure if the truth were told, they could've been really disrespectful to my husband. i thank God that they were not. i truly believe they were angels to me and kevin as well. God bless them both.

i could speak so much more to this topic of judgment, but i will not, for i am learning daily just how much i can improve in this area.

i pray God will hold me accountable to treat all my patients with respect as He would treat them.

and i thank you my kevin for helping me learn not to judge those who are different from me.


until then.....i will love you forever......



shhhhhhhhhh.............................

BECAUSE HE LOVES ME

today i think i will let kevin speak from his heart....(or in this case his pen)....kevin wrote this on july 10, 2004..



on a rugged cross, He died for me. sharp nails driven through His hand and through His ankles. He was scourged unmercifully, and a crown of sharp thorns were forced upon His head. unending pain was what He endured......because He loved me.....the flesh was torn from His body, His blood streaming from His many wounds... He had the power to stop it at any time....but because He loved me so He endured it for me.



He languished on that cross for most of the day. but even as He was on that cross, racked in pain, He still prayed for those who would do such a thing to Him.





when the end finally came He cried. "Father into your hands, I commend my Spirit"



as He died on the cross, a Roman soldier pierced His side with a spear to see if He was truly dead. instead of blood, pure water poured down. and at that moment , a powerful rain poured in from the heavens as if God himself wept for His only begotten son.



His family took Him down and his mother wept for Him as she realized what He had to die

for.



they took Him to a crypt to bury Him. on the third day, they came to cleanse Him, but the stone was rolled aside and the crypt was empty.



He had risen. He had suffered and died for me because He loves me. I am but a sinner with no hope of redemption at all. but He loves me and sacrificed Himself so that I may live in the light of the Father. saved by grace. in spite of all my sins, I AM FORGIVEN.







hoping that all will realize the truth of this letter from my best man.







and until next time.....





shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

marriage when you are older

internet romances are not something to take lightly. i truthfully would've never thought i would've gotten married through one of the online services, but after i met kevin, i had no other choice.

something about getting married when you are older is quite precious, almost like a rare and beautiful stone. i still laugh about when i turned the corner to go meet my love at the wedding altar and i saw him mouth "wow" when he saw me. i honestly felt as though i was walking on a cloud.. the service was grand, and so true to what we wanted because we wanted the focus to be on God.

and that is what i want to share today. there was a point in the service that the pastor, (who is also one of my dearest friends) prayed that no matter what kevin and i would go through that we would always make our way to God, no matter what ups and downs would come, that we would go to God. at the time that the pastor prayed that both kevin and i felt as though we were the only ones in the sanctuary of the church. almost like we were standing on a plateau before God alone.

and i have to say in all honesty, that is what has happened through every day of our life together, and even continues on to this day.

there is a scripture that states that "God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore." i have been taught that since i was a child, and i am so grateful and proud to be able to tell you that in all the changes that have taken place in this world, and in my life personally, in the lives of those around me, this is the truth that i hang on to.

the days when essentially i was working around the clock to help my husband be comfortable as possible, the days that i was so exhausted beyond belief., the days when there was no human help to be found on this earth, God was the constant. somehow someway He would bring a peace that would hold that love that kevin and i had in His hands and we never lost that.

even on that first night that i realized that the journey kevin and i would travel would not be easy, i knew we would never be alone. for God was there with us, through every trip to the emergency room, for every wound that i would clean, for every tear that i would dry, (both his and mine) we were never alone.

i wish i could explain to young people how precious that marriage can be when it is done right. when it has God's blessing. that it is not always easy, but that it is definitely worth it.

i look now at the moments i had for instance last night, when i wanted to pick up the phone to call kevin, and i remembered he wasn't there, and it is very hard, but i am reminded, God is the same yesterday, today and forevermore, and i know i am not alone.

thank you God for bringing me my beloved kevin.


and thank you kevin for helping me know i will be okay.....


until then.......



sshhhhhhhhh....................

No greater love

I am so grateful for one major thing that my husband has engendered in me. That being total honor and respect for our nations military. Oh don't get me wrong, it isn't like the respect was never there, but looking at our nation through the eyes of my husband brought a whole new outlook in my heart whenever it came to honoring the United States military.



I guess to be honest it started on September 11, 2001. Kevin and I had been married 10 days and in Oshkosh 4 days. We watched and discussed the happenings of that day, and prayed along with the rest of the nation. It was on this day the scripture in the Bible "Greater Love Has No Man than this than He Lay down His life for his friends." I thought about it in particular in relation to those firefighters and first responders at the towers going up those stairs, just doing their job, knowing probably they would not come back down. I stood in awe.....



But as my husband and I talked, he assured me that we would probably have more days like this and how he had experienced a bombing in Germany by a local terrorist group. He assured me that the wonderful men and women who serve our US military would be there doing the same thing that they have always done. As many have told it to me "I was only doing my job."



An Army nurse I know repeatedly reminds me there are only two who willingly lay their life down for us......One is Jesus Christ, and the other is the American soldier.



I listened as a mother received word from her daughter serving in Afghanistan of several young men and women who laid down their lives and this mother had to try to comfort her daughter as best she could from so many miles away. As so many mothers have done before.



I pray we all remember the strength and character of the young people who serve us today. They follow with pride a great heritage that has kept this nation strong.



I thank you my dear dear husband for helping me to know what price has been paid for the freedom that I have. I will owe you my gratitude till we meet again.....and I am able to tell you face to face.





Until then my love......







shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

making of a man helps him to be stronger

Joshua 1:9 states Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage: be not afraid neither be dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withsoever though goest..

This was written in the old testament in the Bible and yet I am convinced those words apply even moreso today. I listened to my husband regale me with great stories about his travels as a child around the world and throughout the United States while his father was in the military. I have had the privilege of reading some of the poetry while Kevin was making all of these moves as he grew up and there were multiple passages that convince me over the years that perhaps in the middle of all of the traveling that God was perhaps the only constant outside of Kevin's family. It is interesting, because you can see God working in him in the early years of his writing, even with the writing being more simple than it was as he became an adult. He certainly had plenty of reason to be afraid as he was told to keep an eye on his mother and the sisters while his father went on tour. He told me of fear whenever a cavein in an embankment could have smothered him when he was 8. He told me of fear whenever in a cafe that was bombed by terrorists in Germany. But as I look back on these stories now, I wonder if all of those incidents were items to help him grow stronger and to walk with courage as he faced his physical demise.

I wonder sometimes if the scripture in Joshua applies to God being in places with us emotionally and spiritually as well. For instance, this process of grief over losing my husband and all that entails. I have to believe that God understands and is there walking with me and beseeching me to stand with courage as I look forward to my aging years without my spouse there to hold me, or even doing something as simple as creating a new recipe in the kitchen.

Until tomorrow, know that God really is here for you....and me too!!!

shhhhhhhhhh.............................

the measure of todays man

i still ponder on what society has deemed is the definition of a man. i have found my favorite verse in scripture to be in Luke 17:2 where Jesus said the following: "It is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck , and he cast into the sea, that that he should offend one of these little ones."

last night i listened on a talk show as a crusader for stopping human trafficking talked of the pervasiveness of human trafficking on a global level and how literally millions of little girls and even infants are being sexually used as slaves in the world. is this a man? would a true man actually stoop so low as to use little ones for his own pleasure? God help us all......i fear the day for all of these souls who have lost themselves to this degradation....thankfully God is the judge.

tonight on the other hand, i listened to a very stressed out father as he was beginning to take over the reins of primary care of his children.....although stressed out, the strength i saw in him as he looked to the future and walking forward with his children was something to very much be respected.

i have seen other young dads who have taken the primary role in raising their children, and i am so amazed and have so much respect for these young men because they are truly going to change their kids world by being there for them.

i also had the privilege of entering a contest tonight for my dad as i was able to recount some of the very special moments that he and i have had over the years.....teaching me to grow vegetables in the garden, telling stories, just talking and even the most important singing to wake me up every Easter morning.... the ruler by which i compare all men.

as i stated in my previous blog, my husband kevin was a leader in my life in a very special way. i watched him one day just glance over at two gentlemen who were talking very disrespectfully at a table in a restaurant and it made the men apologize. he was not angry, nor was he scarey, but he expected men to be respectful of his wife....and for that i will forever be grateful. and i realized that i deserved it as well.


there are as many different stories as there are men and i am grateful for them all.


until next time.......


shhhhhhh........

I CAN STILL HEAR YOU SAY SHHHHHH

I am so excited to be able to write about the measure of a man. I have been thinking so much about this since I met, married and this past year buried my husband. I hope with this blog that I will be able to share that sometimes what the world says makes a man, may not be what actually makes the measure of a man.

I met Kevin online back in 1998-1999. He first introduced himself on the online site by writing one of his poems. I thought it was the most beautiful thing that I had ever read. I will share that among many others with you over the time period of this blog. I flew to where Kevin and I would make our home. It was a cold winter night, and from the minute I looked in his eyes, I knew that we belonged together forever.

I will share more as time goes on, but I guess tonight I want to share that today has been one of those days I wish I could have went to heaven with Kevin.....and I know what would be his response......he would hold my hand, pat my arm, and go shhhhhhhhhhhh.....making me know that I will be alright. He always helped me to know that. I so thank God for the lessons this man gave me by his life here on earth. He has helped me become a better woman.....



Shhhhhhhh........

Until tomorrow.