12 years ago

Twelve years ago tonight I stood on the precipice of marrying at the age of 41 for the first time.  I was really rather naive to be honest about it, but I have to confess to you that it was probably one of the most precious events that ever has occurred in my life.  It is hard to explain if one has never been there.  I would not be able to understand it, as one who stood outside what the act of marriage would mean to my life.  I actually was not one throughout my life to be all about marriage, but then it happened.

I met Kevin.

What he means to me is much more than just the legal joining of man and wife by this society's standard.  I don't even think he could realize how much that fact that he loved me showed me what manner of love that God indeed has for us.  And I have to admit to you today even that God's love remains quite a wonderful mystery at times. 

I remember when we stood before the minister's in the wedding and as our union was blessed by this wonderful prayer, that it was almost as if he and I were ushered into the holy of holies, as all things of this world fell away and we stood there before God promising our love to each other.

Don't assume by any stretch that either of us were perfect, because we were not.  But whatever God did on that day, when the words "what God has joined together" were spoken-something about our love became perfect.

I believe that is true today.  That God is the love that made our crazy mix of love perfect.


I so wish the rest of the world could grasp what that means.  Here even almost four years after losing Kevin, I am just grasping a quarter of what the love of God has brought into my life by allowing me to share my life with such a wonderful man.


God Bless you my husband.  I will see you again.

Save a place for me.....right beside you love.

Keep My Eye on the Lion -the Lion of Judah that is

I have to be honest, there is so much going on that I am like a basketball player on a court watching all the action around, and I lose sight of the ball.  I question myself constantly because I don't think I am good enough for Jesus, and yet he chose me.  It is a concept that still blows my mind.  When I have all of these doubts about myself-there is something inside the core of me that says "Keep your eye on the Lion"..  Bills may roll out of proportion, changes happen constantly in our world of work.  It indeed is enough to make a person take pause.  I don't like the frustration I feel.  I don't like feeling like I am alone, so I ask God to help me keep my eye on the Lion. The juxtaposition of that is I want to keep my eye on the Lion of Judah.  I want Him to watch that lion that is strolling around to try to seek and destroy all the belongs to God.

Years ago, I read about all of these goings on in our society, and I believe at the time I thought it was just a story. And yet I look around at a world that is within a keystroke of going into another war that could be very damaging and deadly to many young people in the world.  I am so ill from watching little children having the foam coming out of their mouth because of power's hatred. There are days currently, that I am afraid one of these days I will wake up and our whole world will be turned upside down.  This is why we keep our eye on the Lion .


"Anyone who hurts one such as these, better they shall have a millstone wrapped around their neck and dropped in the bottom of the sea."  I believe Jesus said that.  How his heart must break for the innocents that are killed.  How His heart must break for those who cause all of this death and destruction.  I think of the time Jesus stood outside of Jerusalem going "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how would I have gathered you up"....."yet you would not have it."  Is this the same thing that we as individuals do whenever we do not see His grace in our lives?  I sometimes think how God's heart breaks for all of us, because some days we get it just so wrong.  We do not live in love.  We do not live in His Grace, and yet He patiently waits.

I think that the wonderful thing about knowing there is a God is that in the world of constant changes HE DOES NOT CHANGE.  There is something so nice about, even when my world is going 1000 mph, GOD DOES NOT CHANGE.


Continuing to keep my eye on the Lion of Judah

how can i let go?

i suppose that at this point it does me not good to share my heart with anyone i know because i am not even sure where i am going.  in my mind's eye, i can see Jesus sitting beside me much like you see in the facebook posts just waiting.  i just keep thinking if i let go of that protected little girl hiding inside of me, that i am going to be bouncing off the walls.  You know it really does all go back to control.  I think it is a lot of how I got into this mode of thinking on myself as a sassy thoroughbred.  and God allowed me to run into Kevin to try to show me that I can be out of control of things for a while and allow someone to love me. I really lost control when Paula passed, and I guess that is the crux of things.  the idea that I think I have control over squat.  But how can I let go?   If I let go, who is going to protect my heart?  who is going to keep me safe? WHY AM I HERE?????????

I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY..........

CONTROL

i never realized what a control freak i am.  and letting go of that is perhaps that most challenging thing that i have ever had to do.  i don't even know if i am going to share this with anyone publicly like normal because i am not sure what i am learning really.  is it as simple as to let go? I've been really surprised at many things.  I'm surprised that i can't look up at the stars at night when before it was so simple to just get lost in them, and realize just how small i am and how big God is.  I'm surprised at how much of my memory had been lost over the years just in the process of growing up and dealing with of course what i considered a big deal at the time.  i'm thinking now, if those things had happened to the Amy's girls or someone like that that i would be having a discussion about just how awful the abuse was etc., since its me, its like i still can't see the child in me.  and I'm surprised at just how much Paula's passing has brought all of those memories, that child that grew up too soon, those things about control........there have actually been days that i wished all of those things would have stayed in the darkness of my mind where they would not be found.  i just don't get it.
in essence.....life is a handful..........
and then to make those things coincide with what is going on today.....and there are so many facets...
I'm scared to death of allowing but just a very few people inside the inner circle of my heart.  I'm scared to death on the other hand of being totally alone.  quite a conundrum in these days of chaos in this world.  God is the only place to turn to, and yet i still struggle with not being good enough.  i struggle with why in this world would He love me?  and get this, I grew up in the church, can you imagine what people feel like when they have no church background whatsoever?  I keep doing this "yeah, but what about?"  God must get tired sometimes.    I have to believe that the One who created the world, and all the beauty that is in it can handle my "yea, buts".
I have been jokingly thinking of myself as Jonah.  (yes as in Jonah and the well).  I never dreamt in a million years, even a trillion years that I would be "stuck" in Oshkosh Wisconsin U.S.A.   My plan was to head south....Kentucky or Tennessee, because that is my heart.  I don't know , Kev told me once if it wasn't meant for me to be here I wouldn't be, but I STILL DON'T KNOW THAT I WANT TO STAY HERE.  which its wrong if God wants me to be here.   again, that issue of control rears its ugly head.  i do have to admit, that God does seem to be teaching me a lot.   Sometimes I wonder why I have to be such a hard person to teach.
another issue with the control thing.....since Paula passed, it seemed that i spent more and more time in my isolated little world.  like Kev rubbed off on me.  although the people who don't know me won't get it, it is just like every time i would think of going to church in particular, it was like i could not breathe.......shaking hands, hugs, etc....still kind of send me into a panic attack.  again..........control......



I am beginning to hate that word...........