Lost but Trusting Take 2

So this past couple of weeks have been horrible.  I cannot explain why totally.  I think it is just that I am so mad that God allowed Paula to suffer through Cancer..that my family has to suffer through this loss.  I don't know if I am wrong to verbalize this or not.  Some times I think that people would rather I did not.  I only know that I have to believe the truth of Jeremiah 29, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you."  I know God is love, the best kind, the perfect kind, and that is the only thing as I crawl through this quagmire of grief that keeps me pressing on.  I wish I could help when my brother has hard times with his memories.  I wish I could fill that void that I know mom and dad feel.  I wish I could help the girls and the babies not feel the loss so badly, but I cannot do that.  I hope and pray God will fill that hole in their heart.

It is really strange.  I can draw a definite line from before Kevin died till now that whereas before my mindset was in all things in the past, and from the time Kevin was gone my eyes began to look forward.  Only this time, the hurt is a little deeper.  I don't know how to explain it, but somehow the little kid that grew up with Paula came back into my life.  And that part of me has been hidden for a long long time. I am not sure that there are those who know me right now that would think that is a good thing, but I do think that it has a lot to do with healing me day to day. 

It is also coming to a head because this week Pastor Dave will be gone a whole year, and I can't tell you how much I feel that loss even.  I hope he and Paula met in heaven and are helping all the little ones/teenagers that have gone them before worship the God that sent His son to die for us.  As the matter of fact Aunt Helena probably is right there in the mix because someone has to cook that heavenly manna.  And she would be the one!

All I can do is hold onto that thread-life is hard but God is good.  It doesn't mean we have pie in the sky all the time, but it does mean He will be there if we hold onto Him and all that we know of Him.  He is LOVE.

Christmas or not?

I am sure if one would talk to the people I know...the people who know me, many would agree that I am not being very Christmas like this year.  It is another year that I have not been able to be home to be with my family for Christmas, a fact even more importantly since Paula passed and this is the first holiday without her here on this planet.  Rest assured, although I am "numb" in some ways, I suppose trying to put off the holiday experience in other ways, I am forever in awe of what Christmas means.  I just have had the need to be quiet.
I was listening to a sermon the other day on the radio.  The speaker was talking about how the shepherds who got the news of Jesus birth were common people.  I love that God chose common people to share the good news with first.   The speaker talked about how common people today are like janitors, mechanics, people like me, and factory workers etc.  I also recollect how mom talked about how we are just "common" people.  I love that .  It is like some of the scales dropped off my eyes because I know that I am or will never be anything without Jesus.  I think perhaps although there are many rich and noncommon people both in that time and today that if the angels were to speak to them, they would have never believed in a million years that Jesus would have come as a baby.  Then they possibly would try to reason it through human logic, try to find all kinds of reasons to disprove it, and it would probably really become annoying to the rest of us.  I am a thinker, probably more than I should be, but I know that I know that God exists.
It was fun coming to work tonight because as I walked out in the brisk cold night, and looked up at the sky, I could imagine Mary and Joseph traversing the desert on the way to Bethleham on such a night as this.   
I know this is short, but I am thinking in spurts these days.  It is hard to miss my sister so much, but I also know that she is having a wonderful time joining in with the angels for her first Christmas with the one who makes all possible.  Jesus.   

Thanks to him for giving me a beautiful family, and a hope of heaven.  What a beautiful gift......

LIFE IN THESE DAYS.......

I have basically been shut down other than doing those things that one can do on autopilot.  I am still wrestling , almost in a state of shock because of Paula having to deal with this battle of cancer.  I still question why sometimes.  Why does cancer exist, why do little babies get aborted before they have a chance to even breathe their first breath in this world?  Why do politicians spend so much money and time trying to prove to us that they deserve to be in power?  Why does power mean so much to people in that mindset?  I wish I could even express how frustrating this political season and all those questions that really can't bed answered this side of heaven is to me.  I finally decided on this short break here popped a cd in of the HEE HAW gospel quartet, (initially I thought I would be made fun of) but right now it has blessed me more than anything I have had my hands on all day except for my devotional time.  I guess perhaps this is a little bit of what I picture heaven to be.  I wish I could better express to other people how it is so worth it to know God.  Even when you feel like your ship is about to crash into a mountain, God can steady that ship, just with the touch of His hand or the breath in the wind, or by His Almighty word.  I know this is one of the hardest times of my life, because I love my family so, I love my sister and brother so much.  I know one thing even more, that God loves us all more than I can even comprehend or think of.  I long to hold onto that.


Till the day we see Jesus........still trusting....one minute at a time.

I THINK WE'RE IN TROUBLE

This world has gotten to be quite a place that needs changing.  I believe change is going to come, but not in the form that people think that it will be.  I still find it amazing that dad keyed into the opening up of an evil spirit into this land on 09-11.  I think that he was right on with that, and it continues even to this day.  Of course, every one who knows me knows that I have had a stamp on my heart for the nation of Israel from the day that I left there. 

Today I read that a major Israeli newspaper said that the US had not promised to protect Israel from Iran, so to follow up on that I pulled up the Jerusalem Post this evening.  This source stated that the Likud party is downplaying any lack of support from the US, but guess what I saw on the front page headline.  Graffiti sprayed on one of the walls that said "Jesus was a monkey".  It took me immediately back to The Passion, and the devils torment of Mary as she watched her Son taken to the cross for our sins.

All Jesus ever did was love us. 

All the enemy of our souls seeks to do is destroy us.


I will stand on the side of Love, and I will continue to voice my support for the tiny nation of Israel.  One day this tiny nation will roar, and God will save her from those who seek to destroy her.


Praying...........for the peace of Jerusalem.

On a sunny day, you can see forever

I didn't quite know what to do about the horse. It was obvious he was in some sort of distress, but how to help, where did he come from? All of these questions ran through my mind as I stood there, eyes tearing up , looking at the beautiful animal that stood in front of me.
"Oh what stories must you have to tell."

I had to think. "Let's see, I know there is a farm about a mile away from here. Could that be where you are from?" I wish.......hmmmmmm.

I walked around the mare and looked at the ribs rising up from his sides. "My word, this poor animal hasn't eaten anything in days......He couldn't have" "How on earth did you get here?" It was like he appeared out of nowhere.

I didn't have a harness or lead to put around the animal's neck. I decided that I would walk back home and call the local veterinarian for advice on what to do. The vet had not had anyone call that they had lost a horse from any of the local farms, so she and I came up with a skeleton plan for caring for this animal. It was obvious he needed someone who understood horse behavior, and also someone who was willing to take on a nurturing role to get the animal back on it's feet.

"How does this work. Do I put an ad in the paper? Do we make some calls?" The real question in the back of my mind was "do I get to keep him?"

I miss you Bear

Oh boy, there is so much that I wish I could tell you Kevin. I in my minds eye can see you sitting in heaven watching over everything, somehow wishing you could reach out and hold me while going through this crazy thing called life. But today I will reach to you in my mind and my heart. You have been on my mind a lot lately, not in a creepy way per say, but in a way that I wish you were here. I just keep thinking how solid, how strong you remained in what seemed like crazy chaos. So you may or may not realize how sick Paula is. She is such a trooper. I don't know, much like in the situations with you, how either of you have stood such a deluge on your bodies. i actually found myself so able to relate to some of mom's exhaustion, although i will never be able to tap into that thing that is called motherhood. it actually is okay though because i fear that were i actually a mom, some of this pain i feel over these changes would overwhelm me and i would not be able to function. We also had a friend lose her son in just the most freak accident that could ever happen to someone, and i sit here almost feeling like it was not real. like it was a bad story line on a television show, and yet the reality is that this wonderful lady has to put her son to rest this coming week. Life can really kick ya in the pants. Both Aunt Helena and Uncle Roger (our version of Elvis) have had strokes. Aunt Helena apparently was more mild, Uncle Roger not so much. Both of these are reminders that I am getting very very old very quickly. I want things to all stay the same ......that Uncle Roger will be the same guy who nursed that wound to the side of my head when i was a kid. That Aunt Helena will still be the one most gifted with hospitality and hugs for all who showed up at her door. if i recall correctly, you my dear husband were the recipient of those hugs. I know this would get us into one of those big discussions like we used to have if we were able to actually talk, (and one day we will), but i am so getting the feeling that the church or should i say CHURCH is getting attacked in a way that it never has before. I look at Union Chapel, and I am shocked at how many times they have been kicked this past year. I look at Winneconne and I know without a doubt that the enemy does not want that new church built. In talking with Wendy, I realize that their church is being hit as well. Sometimes it reminds me of that book that Dave had me read way back about 200 years ago :) called "Piercing the Darkness" Come to think of it, I think I am going to find that book and re read it. Perhaps it will help shed some light on that vision that I had. Just save a place for me Kevin. I look forward to that day that we will reunite, and i will be able to forever thank God for bringing me to you. I miss you Bear.

Goodbye Old Friend

I sat today at the memorial service of Kevin's uncle, and I became very much aware of the brevity of life. I also learned a lot about how different cultures do memorial services, but that there is a basic truth, that truth being the Word in scripture. It's interesting the things that one can observe in situations like these. I was shocked that sweet Aunt Doris could not remember Kevin's passing. Don't get me wrong, I get it. She is at the age that I say anything is okay. But again the brevity of time. Elbie's brother Bob, I think while put on a front, seemed really sad. He normally is really light and carefree. His face was sad. My how things change when the heart is heavy. What an incredible talent though. God gifted him greatly with the ability to paint. Pop- geesh, I have such an affection and respect for him. It is kind of like I can see these guys as they really are. I mean that is the way it was with Kevin as well. There is just something about the heart. I just know that one of these days I may be looking at this great man not being there anymore, and I can't even imagine that right now. He has been such a cheerleader for me even in the most impossible of situations. I saw kids today that were toddlers when I came to Wisconsin. Now they are all grown up with kids of their own. Nancy's son Nathan was in his fatigues, and just brought out such a respect in me. (and not just because of the uniform) He has grown into a man. The girls-somedays I think we could be like the three amigos in the movies. Wendy's wisdom and heart, Brenda-she has such life in those eyes. She still reminds me of her mom. And then there is Elbie. What first impressed me about this man is along with pop and his brother Bob, this man had a solid tenor voice that could interpret music just as well as the pros. I thought he hated me at first, because I didn't understand the man. If I would've only thought, anyone who could interpret music like that had to have a heart of gold. And those Elbie hugs. What a sweet sweet man. I could never leave his place without getting one of those hugs. When I visited him over at the nursing home last week to take the pic of Kevin and me, we visited a while, and he made sure I knew that I was family, and for sure he gave me one of those great Elbie hugs. (God had to know that I would need Elbie just for that) Because I am a hugger. Goodbye old friend. I will be there for your military funeral, but I want you to know you will be missed. You helped make this woman's stay in Wisconsin more special just by the fact that you were here.