My Father

It is hard not to think of my dad today.


One of the people most likely to make to laugh on this earth. He is simple, and so incredibly smart. My memories are almost like something out of a Norman Rockwell poster.

One of the best times I remember is dad showing me how to grow vegetables in the garden. I always thought it was amazing, that he would grow the biggest, the best and most beautiful veggies in the whole world. Somehow like he was at God's right hand in the growing process.

I also am amazed that in the bottom of a dirty old factory that he was humble enough to listen to a little preacher share with him the love of God and that would change all of our lives forever.

I love to hear him sing "up from the grave He arose" on Easter Sunday morning. He sings it like someone who actually was there on Easter morning. I love it. I love hearing him tell "the three little pigs" and stories of when he grew up in Kentucky.

I love that he was smart enough to marry my mother.

My father also has an incredible prayer life. I only hope that my faith with grow and mature as it has with him as he has aged. I love that even when he has made mistakes, he still shows us what the love of God can do for us, even through those times we may fail.

They say that kids are a testament to what their parents have lived. I can only hope so. I can only hope so. I only hope to have that kind of wisdom and strength, and mostly patience.


God Bless You Dad. I love you forever!!!


Thanks to God for giving me you.


Your #1 daughter , your oldest daughter.

brenda

God of Second Chances, God of my heart

I am sitting here amazed at how God works. Even when it hurts.
I have been amazed at me, the girl with the big mouth who says "what do I need a man for," finally getting it after Kev passed. I have been listening a lot to sermons that are talking about marriage, and I have been impressed that God intends for marriage to show us a part of His heart, and His love for us.
The biggest thing I have missed since kev has been gone has been someone to talk to about the big things going on in my life and my heart.

Today it came to me, God is there to talk to about what I think are the big things in my life and my heart. And the amazing part to me, is God is so utterly trustworthy. When people disappoint, and fail you, there is a great big God who is the God of second chances.

Today, it came to me. Gods love is far deeper than what any one man or woman could give to us.

It has been hard. I promised God that I would cling to Him "whatever the cost". And I have lost a lot. But I have to tell you I have gained much much more. More than I could ever write in a simple blog. But I do know that I owe God my everything, because He has daily been there holding me, waiting on me sometimes, and being more patient than I could ever deserve.


Again I owe a debt of gratitude to God for bringing me to a great imperfect husband with a tough love that shows me what Gods love is like. I love that this walk with God is a daily decision, it is not just a "one time thing". and yes it requires TOTAL COMMITTMENT.

Early Morning

I totally love the early morning. It makes me think of God and those things that need to be prayed for, and yet I find my heart although trusting is humanly hurting.

For me to live is Christ and to die is gain......

I have come to the realization that I am probably going to have to say goodbye to a very dear friend. I walk with God and hold onto the fact that this will be a "see ya later" rather than a goodbye, but alas I hurt.

Where do you draw the line where being close to people becomes too much? God calls us to love one another as He has loved us.... to me that is wholly and completely......I guess as I write this His love for us also can involved His being hurt....

but God is God and I am not. where have i heard that song before?


I still hold onto Him. I look to Him and lean on that Healing Balm of Gilead. Oddly enough that means a lot to me especially after being in Israel.


Until I see you my friend......I will see you later!!!

Life is Hard but God is Good.

REMAKING THE HEART

i've come to the conclusion this post passing experience has probably been way harder on me than it has been on kevin. as the matter of fact i know it has. learning to reclaim who i am without being a 24 hour caregiver is becoming a really difficult task. i am finding daily that i have to lean on God more and more with each breath that i take.

i probably am not going to write a lot tonight, but these are the main things that i have learnt this week from a God who is so gracious to one such as I.

i hope a pray for the day that He brings me a hunger for Him, because i do hunger for God in a way i never had before. and somehow i think kevin had a part in showing me that was what was to be.

kinda like the 'Signs' movie we loved to watch.......................

i also am trying to learn how to be me again..... but better, because i experience all of life in a deeper more spiritual way. ......i always had looked at the world through the eyes of a believer, but it is different now.

i am thankful God has walked with me on this journey.........

and my bear still is watching over me...............

the most incredible post i have ever written. i have actually had someone state to me that they want to hook me ujp with someone. truthfully i am kind of in shock that someone would bring it up... its not that i would even remotely be disloyal to kevin, but its one of those deals of just needing someone of the male persuasion to talk with. unfortunately most if not all the men i know, just somehow don't quite cut it as far as conversations go.

but there is one who understands. it is this GREAT BIG GOD.



until next time............

Musings

Its been forever since I have blogged . Which makes me think this might be part of the reason my mind is in a fog right now. What I cannot for the life of me figure out is how it is possible for me to be missing Kevin more now than I did right after his passing. I think perhaps it is as he said that if I couldn't talk with someone my head would probably explode. The reason I always loved going home to him is I knew always and forever he would be there and listen to whatever I had to say, no matter what.

I wish I could say that I am getting the concept is that what God should be to me. I wish I could say that I am not reverting back to old habits going " I wish I could talk to Dave T, or I wish I could talk to whoever it might be" Honestly I know that I am not going to experience the same thing that I did with Kev......but I should be able to say to God, I so need to talk with You God.....and know that You God are going to be there and to listen to me no matter what.

This is why I think so much that Kevin and I needed to be together. He showed me that strong determination to be there for someone that I don't know anyone else could have shown me. That dogged determination and loyalty. I just love God for knowing the big picture. I also love God for knowing each of us individually and know what we need for us to each grow into what He needs us to be.

Wendy Kevin's sister said Kevin needed someone to show him complete and total committment even if he behaved poorly. I needed someone to show me Gods love. .......and he did.

A true gentle giant.......given to my by a Giant of a God.

I am truly grateful for the lessons. I pray that God will fill those empty spaces that I have in my heart right now, and that I learn truly to be His hands in this world.

As for now....I am signing off....

Until then.......

marriage isn't for sissies......

Nor is it irrational.....I have listened with an unbelievable amount of frustration to increasing attacks upon the sanctity and union of two persons as they become man and wife. Just yesterday a circuit judge in the state of California, says that believing in marriage between a man and a woman is just "irrational" thinking. I believe that somehow this country is running down a deadly slope. It seems to me that I recall hearing that when Hitler was in his heyday, the whole idea of a perfect society was to get rid of those who did not believe the way he did, or to send them to camps for mediation and training that in essence to change their thinking. Even today you hear rumblings of countries like China sending those who do not believe the way the dictatorial nation believes to camps for "rewiring" as it were in their thought processes or God forbid even worse. I also believe that the judge in California who deemed the traditional marriage as irrational is playing into the hands of the Almighty God. And it has been proven time and again, that it is a dangerous thing to play into the hands of an Almighty God.

I also feel sorry for these folks who believe these things. I keep thinking about when Jesus was on the cross and He said "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." Our country needs to fall to its knees desperately, and pray for Gods blessing on us once again.

Back to marriage, whenever I was in my twenties, and even in my late teens and into my thirties I really was too selfish to even contemplate being married. I in essence wanted to do what I wanted to do. And in essence, God had a better plan.

I would marry my Kevin all over again. Even with the same health concerns, same money concerns and through it all. Because in essence marriage has become something more to me that just getting whatever I want out of life. When Dave prayed that Kevin and I would turn to God even at those worse moments in our life, it was a very very powerful moment.

I probably will be writing a lot in the near future here because I need to share what is going on in my opinion with this society and what the future may hold.


There is one thing that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt. People can call their unions marriage, but marriage it is not. Marriage was not designed by man. How dare we be so egotistical--- Marriage was ordained by the Almighty God, ruler of the Universe. And in the end, He Will Reign. No matter what we as a society think that makes us so special to change moral law.

Yes marriage is not for sissies. It is far beyond sex, way far beyond the day to day events that we go through. Marriage is a lifelong soul committment and bind between 3. A man......his wife......and the God who made it all possible.


I am so thankful for God bringing me to my bear....my Kevin.....


I can still hear him singing to me the song "I Cross my heart"


sssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhh...........can you hear it too?