9-11 12 YEARS LATER........

I don't know sometimes the urge to write hits me at the wrong time.  I have already begun to think about tomorrow and the anniversary (although it almost seems improper to call it that) of 9-11.  Some have asked where was God during the attacks on the trade towers, the pentagon and in pennsylvania?  My husband questioned me on my assertion that God did not cause the attacks, but He did allow them.  And sometimes I wonder why.  Although I have always been taught that there will be a time that the true church will be put into the fire and refined to cause a great revival, it is still really difficult not to be angry at the evil that was perpetrated on this nation.  Some have even said that it was like there was an evil spirit loosed onto this soil.  I guess the only truth it that God only knows.  I do know that God was there in those halls/stairwells/rooms and in those spaces in the air that people called out to Him for comfort.  I do know God was there for those first waves of military that were sent into harms way.  God was there is the souls and spirits of those who laid their lives down to save others.  "Greater Love has no man than to lay down their life for a friend".  I want to take this time in my writing to honor those families who sacrificed their family members in the attacks on Sept 11th.  The firefighters, ambulance, policemen, and all of our military-----May the God who created us all bless you all.

I also honor a gentleman that I particularly noticed at the towers.  It was a firefighter sitting at the bottom of the towers before they fell.  I never saw him again, but I noticed him in particular throughout this whole event.  I wish I knew whether he survived.  If he had family, I honor them in his loss, because he was a man who showed me just what an impact this day was having on all of us.

I also ask that God be with our current military and those who lead.  Marines, Army, Air Force, Navy, Coast Guard.  God be with you all.......and protect you with His Mighty Hand.

I quit looking at the stars

A few years ago after my grandfather died, to cope I started to look at the stars and found one in particular that stood out bright, and told myself that it was my grandfather looking down on me.   Over time looking at the sky with the million stars out began to mean a totally different thing to me.  I guess because I am in an area where clear skies are almost the norm at night, looking at the stars began to remind me of just how big God is, and that He is the ultimate control over all.

What a lesson I am learning.


Taking my heart back to a year ago....October 27.  I started to search the sky for the brightest twinkling star to use that as symbolic of the spirit of my sister Paula.  As time has went on, I have found myself not able to look at the stars.  I even tried the other night when I took the dog out.  I glanced into the sky at this beautiful blanket of stars, and shrunk back almost in tears because of how overwhelming the realization is that I want my sister.


The lesson?


Despite the struggle that I have letting go, and that I do not have control of everything in this world of mine-God does.  I look forward to the day that I can look up to the sky again, and be thankful to know that in spite of cancer, God is still there.  In spite of a world who seems bent on self-destruction, God is still there.  In spite of the hatefulness of man, who would poison even little ones, God holds this precious ones in His arms, and He does have control.  He does have the role of Victor in the end. 

Don't believe me?



Just go out.......look at a star lit night, and allow Him to show you.

12 years ago

Twelve years ago tonight I stood on the precipice of marrying at the age of 41 for the first time.  I was really rather naive to be honest about it, but I have to confess to you that it was probably one of the most precious events that ever has occurred in my life.  It is hard to explain if one has never been there.  I would not be able to understand it, as one who stood outside what the act of marriage would mean to my life.  I actually was not one throughout my life to be all about marriage, but then it happened.

I met Kevin.

What he means to me is much more than just the legal joining of man and wife by this society's standard.  I don't even think he could realize how much that fact that he loved me showed me what manner of love that God indeed has for us.  And I have to admit to you today even that God's love remains quite a wonderful mystery at times. 

I remember when we stood before the minister's in the wedding and as our union was blessed by this wonderful prayer, that it was almost as if he and I were ushered into the holy of holies, as all things of this world fell away and we stood there before God promising our love to each other.

Don't assume by any stretch that either of us were perfect, because we were not.  But whatever God did on that day, when the words "what God has joined together" were spoken-something about our love became perfect.

I believe that is true today.  That God is the love that made our crazy mix of love perfect.


I so wish the rest of the world could grasp what that means.  Here even almost four years after losing Kevin, I am just grasping a quarter of what the love of God has brought into my life by allowing me to share my life with such a wonderful man.


God Bless you my husband.  I will see you again.

Save a place for me.....right beside you love.

Keep My Eye on the Lion -the Lion of Judah that is

I have to be honest, there is so much going on that I am like a basketball player on a court watching all the action around, and I lose sight of the ball.  I question myself constantly because I don't think I am good enough for Jesus, and yet he chose me.  It is a concept that still blows my mind.  When I have all of these doubts about myself-there is something inside the core of me that says "Keep your eye on the Lion"..  Bills may roll out of proportion, changes happen constantly in our world of work.  It indeed is enough to make a person take pause.  I don't like the frustration I feel.  I don't like feeling like I am alone, so I ask God to help me keep my eye on the Lion. The juxtaposition of that is I want to keep my eye on the Lion of Judah.  I want Him to watch that lion that is strolling around to try to seek and destroy all the belongs to God.

Years ago, I read about all of these goings on in our society, and I believe at the time I thought it was just a story. And yet I look around at a world that is within a keystroke of going into another war that could be very damaging and deadly to many young people in the world.  I am so ill from watching little children having the foam coming out of their mouth because of power's hatred. There are days currently, that I am afraid one of these days I will wake up and our whole world will be turned upside down.  This is why we keep our eye on the Lion .


"Anyone who hurts one such as these, better they shall have a millstone wrapped around their neck and dropped in the bottom of the sea."  I believe Jesus said that.  How his heart must break for the innocents that are killed.  How His heart must break for those who cause all of this death and destruction.  I think of the time Jesus stood outside of Jerusalem going "Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how would I have gathered you up"....."yet you would not have it."  Is this the same thing that we as individuals do whenever we do not see His grace in our lives?  I sometimes think how God's heart breaks for all of us, because some days we get it just so wrong.  We do not live in love.  We do not live in His Grace, and yet He patiently waits.

I think that the wonderful thing about knowing there is a God is that in the world of constant changes HE DOES NOT CHANGE.  There is something so nice about, even when my world is going 1000 mph, GOD DOES NOT CHANGE.


Continuing to keep my eye on the Lion of Judah

how can i let go?

i suppose that at this point it does me not good to share my heart with anyone i know because i am not even sure where i am going.  in my mind's eye, i can see Jesus sitting beside me much like you see in the facebook posts just waiting.  i just keep thinking if i let go of that protected little girl hiding inside of me, that i am going to be bouncing off the walls.  You know it really does all go back to control.  I think it is a lot of how I got into this mode of thinking on myself as a sassy thoroughbred.  and God allowed me to run into Kevin to try to show me that I can be out of control of things for a while and allow someone to love me. I really lost control when Paula passed, and I guess that is the crux of things.  the idea that I think I have control over squat.  But how can I let go?   If I let go, who is going to protect my heart?  who is going to keep me safe? WHY AM I HERE?????????

I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY..........

CONTROL

i never realized what a control freak i am.  and letting go of that is perhaps that most challenging thing that i have ever had to do.  i don't even know if i am going to share this with anyone publicly like normal because i am not sure what i am learning really.  is it as simple as to let go? I've been really surprised at many things.  I'm surprised that i can't look up at the stars at night when before it was so simple to just get lost in them, and realize just how small i am and how big God is.  I'm surprised at how much of my memory had been lost over the years just in the process of growing up and dealing with of course what i considered a big deal at the time.  i'm thinking now, if those things had happened to the Amy's girls or someone like that that i would be having a discussion about just how awful the abuse was etc., since its me, its like i still can't see the child in me.  and I'm surprised at just how much Paula's passing has brought all of those memories, that child that grew up too soon, those things about control........there have actually been days that i wished all of those things would have stayed in the darkness of my mind where they would not be found.  i just don't get it.
in essence.....life is a handful..........
and then to make those things coincide with what is going on today.....and there are so many facets...
I'm scared to death of allowing but just a very few people inside the inner circle of my heart.  I'm scared to death on the other hand of being totally alone.  quite a conundrum in these days of chaos in this world.  God is the only place to turn to, and yet i still struggle with not being good enough.  i struggle with why in this world would He love me?  and get this, I grew up in the church, can you imagine what people feel like when they have no church background whatsoever?  I keep doing this "yeah, but what about?"  God must get tired sometimes.    I have to believe that the One who created the world, and all the beauty that is in it can handle my "yea, buts".
I have been jokingly thinking of myself as Jonah.  (yes as in Jonah and the well).  I never dreamt in a million years, even a trillion years that I would be "stuck" in Oshkosh Wisconsin U.S.A.   My plan was to head south....Kentucky or Tennessee, because that is my heart.  I don't know , Kev told me once if it wasn't meant for me to be here I wouldn't be, but I STILL DON'T KNOW THAT I WANT TO STAY HERE.  which its wrong if God wants me to be here.   again, that issue of control rears its ugly head.  i do have to admit, that God does seem to be teaching me a lot.   Sometimes I wonder why I have to be such a hard person to teach.
another issue with the control thing.....since Paula passed, it seemed that i spent more and more time in my isolated little world.  like Kev rubbed off on me.  although the people who don't know me won't get it, it is just like every time i would think of going to church in particular, it was like i could not breathe.......shaking hands, hugs, etc....still kind of send me into a panic attack.  again..........control......



I am beginning to hate that word...........

Prayer to My God

If my people, who are called by My Name Will humble themselves and Pray.........

It stands to reason that I would be thinking lately about how I need to pour out my heart to God in humility, because I think so many times I believe that my life is so important and I have so many things on my mind, that my agenda is all that matters.

Today....nothing else matters......today is the National Day of Prayer......and my heart is heavy,  It is far beyond political boundaries and personalities.  I know there is a Church that is in this country that shares with me a burden that we as a Nation turn back to God.  I pray today, this very beginning of this day that God will show mercy on the United States, and that we as a nation would humble ourselves before Him.  I pray for the leaders of this nation that are in the White House, the Congress, and all the state governors and legislators, the Supreme Court and any other person that is in a leadership role in our government.  I pray that they will seek You first.  If they do not know who You are, please show them, and as I pray for myself, please bring them to their knees before You.

I pray for the young men and women who are in harms way both overseas and in this country.  The word came over social media yesterday that these folks may be fighting a new battle in their ranks.  Help them to stand strong, and God you wake the folks up who are standing in the way of these men and women sharing their faith with their brothers and sisters in arms.

I pray for the young moms and dads that are in this nation trying to raise young ones up in a way that is right.  Give mom and dad the strength to daily impart their love to their children.  Help them to know what is right.

Be with those like me who are in that middle age group that maybe like I, think that we are too busy to give things like today a thought.  Help us to stop and pray for our nation today.

Be with the elderly in this land that are perhaps down physically, and are feeling a little lost and isolated in this world.  I ask you to walk near them, walk with them, and help them  to know that they are not alone.

Be with the situations where there have been aborted babies God.  Hold these little ones dear to Your Heart, and help those families to know that You love them as well.  I pray also for those who are caught in the sex trafficking business that lie within the boundaries of these United States and around the world.  Help the people who are fighting this problem to keep up the good fight and save these women and men involved in this new aged form of slavery.


Be with those in ministry.  You know my heart lies with Samaritans Purse.  Help those folks to stay strong and continue the fight to help those around the world.  Protect them from their enemies for Your names sake to be proclaimed.

I pray tonight for the young pastor from Utah (I think,, but You know) that is in Evin prison in Iran.  Grant him strength and be near him in his hour of need.  I still pray that you would give him a Paul and Silas moment, that those who are holding him would be astounded at Your Power.

I don't know if anyone else will read this or even continue this, but I just want you to know, as imperfect as I am God...I am listening..Please help me to continue to listen, and continue to believe in You.

I know because of the dream that I have that there may be many more storms to come for this nation.  But I know that there is a remnant, a Holy Bride, that is longing and seeking Your Face as we walk through this time.  This is way above just a warm fuzzy God, this is a fact.  We know that we need You.

God please Bless America Again..