REMAKING THE HEART

i've come to the conclusion this post passing experience has probably been way harder on me than it has been on kevin. as the matter of fact i know it has. learning to reclaim who i am without being a 24 hour caregiver is becoming a really difficult task. i am finding daily that i have to lean on God more and more with each breath that i take.

i probably am not going to write a lot tonight, but these are the main things that i have learnt this week from a God who is so gracious to one such as I.

i hope a pray for the day that He brings me a hunger for Him, because i do hunger for God in a way i never had before. and somehow i think kevin had a part in showing me that was what was to be.

kinda like the 'Signs' movie we loved to watch.......................

i also am trying to learn how to be me again..... but better, because i experience all of life in a deeper more spiritual way. ......i always had looked at the world through the eyes of a believer, but it is different now.

i am thankful God has walked with me on this journey.........

and my bear still is watching over me...............

the most incredible post i have ever written. i have actually had someone state to me that they want to hook me ujp with someone. truthfully i am kind of in shock that someone would bring it up... its not that i would even remotely be disloyal to kevin, but its one of those deals of just needing someone of the male persuasion to talk with. unfortunately most if not all the men i know, just somehow don't quite cut it as far as conversations go.

but there is one who understands. it is this GREAT BIG GOD.



until next time............

Musings

Its been forever since I have blogged . Which makes me think this might be part of the reason my mind is in a fog right now. What I cannot for the life of me figure out is how it is possible for me to be missing Kevin more now than I did right after his passing. I think perhaps it is as he said that if I couldn't talk with someone my head would probably explode. The reason I always loved going home to him is I knew always and forever he would be there and listen to whatever I had to say, no matter what.

I wish I could say that I am getting the concept is that what God should be to me. I wish I could say that I am not reverting back to old habits going " I wish I could talk to Dave T, or I wish I could talk to whoever it might be" Honestly I know that I am not going to experience the same thing that I did with Kev......but I should be able to say to God, I so need to talk with You God.....and know that You God are going to be there and to listen to me no matter what.

This is why I think so much that Kevin and I needed to be together. He showed me that strong determination to be there for someone that I don't know anyone else could have shown me. That dogged determination and loyalty. I just love God for knowing the big picture. I also love God for knowing each of us individually and know what we need for us to each grow into what He needs us to be.

Wendy Kevin's sister said Kevin needed someone to show him complete and total committment even if he behaved poorly. I needed someone to show me Gods love. .......and he did.

A true gentle giant.......given to my by a Giant of a God.

I am truly grateful for the lessons. I pray that God will fill those empty spaces that I have in my heart right now, and that I learn truly to be His hands in this world.

As for now....I am signing off....

Until then.......